November 17, 2015

It's Rough. It's Raw. It's Real.



Seven years ago tonight....

video

36 comments:

Shanan said...

you are a very Strong women... and it took alot of courage for you to share your story...
I hope that God helps ease your soul, and that the pain becomes less for you as you share your life with others.. I am glad you posted your story, and finally hit publish.

CK said...

Your writing is beautiful. But most importantly, your love for your daughter is beautiful.

You are a fierce and gentle woman.

Heather said...

oh won...so much love going out to you and your family. (((hugs)))

i am really glad that i've gotten to know you. it's been just a short time...i can't begin to explain how you have affected me.

Grammie Bear said...

My dear, sweet friend,
I have no words to adequately express how very, very proud I am of you. Of your bravery to seek help, of your courage to post your struggle, here, for us all to "feel", and for the rawness of which you share it. I consider it an honor as well as a blessing to have you in my life. You are loved.
Smiles~
Cheryl

Robin said...

I don't even know what to add to what has already been written above me. You are such a strong, brave woman. I am so sorry for your pain and your struggles. Thank you for sharing your life with us!

{{{{HUGS}}}}}

Robin

Pat said...

Won,
That was very moving, your daughter would be so proud of you. You are a very strong woman. Thank you so much for sharing. I think what you written will help so many others.
Pat

lisa said...

It takes a lot of courage to admit you even need help but you went above that and sought it out. That saddens me that you were denied it when you most needed it.
I don't want to imagine how many have denied help and then just gave up :(
Thanks for sharing and bringing up more awareness of this killer disease.

Mac said...

Good post Won. Well done.

I have had my own 'episodes', though they do not compare to yours. I will say that I was much worse when I was younger and things came back pretty hard after my first baby. Looking back, I realize that I was helped a TON when I was exercising regularly. It just seemed to keep my head (and hormones) more stable. I can notice the difference in my attitude when I am not working out- so I try to keep up with that. Good luck to you.

ginger said...

Thanks for sharing your story Won. I have not lost a child like you did but I have suffered from depression for 20+ years. It took 12 years for doctors to come up with a diagnosis & a combination of meds that worked for me. But even then the health care system has failed me similarly. I spent the last four years on medication that had toxic effects on my body instead of the ones I knew would work, all because I moved & had to "start over" with a new set of doctors. I, too, resorted to going to the hospital & was turned away because I was not sick enough. I wonder when mental health will be taken seriously. It simply breaks my heart to read stories like yours.

Anonymous said...

Hit me like a ton of bricks...again. She was such a good girl and this was all so very unfair. Still hard to believe it's creeping up on 5 years.
The depression...I know all too well. As well as PTSD. But the depression....such a lonely place. And it took me to the brink on two occasions. Thankfully, I was able to have a moment of clarity.
Unfortunately, for my nephew, it won. He left us on November 10, 2008. He was as close to me as my own children. I still remember getting "the phone call"...and immediately falling to the floor. He was gone. And there was nothing I could do for him. So depression, we are too close of friends.
As for my son, it will haunt me until it is my time that I was unable to be there when he passed away. I can only imagine your pain. And I watch my sister, now in her pain and wonder why? Depression, yep it's more like a gorilla. Always lurking in the background wating to pounce. Somedays I feel it would be easier to go ten rounds in a boxing ring then walk from the bed to the livingroom. And at least when you box, there are visible scars that other people can see. There is a physical sign of the trauma. Depression, it's all inside and not many people can relate to the pain. I'd rather be punched because that has an ending to the trauma.
You are still in my daily meditations and chanting. I wish you peace. May we all find peace. Until then, we just keep placing one foot in front of the other...sometimes it's through quicksand.

justcindy2 said...

Thank you for sharing Olivia with us. You are such an inspiration. Depression is such an overwhelming feeling, the way it takes your breath away, sucks all the hope out of your body, robs you of any and all joy. You are not alone on this journey.

The Queen of Chaos said...

Typing through tears.

You are a strong, brave, living, courageous, loving mother and woman! Don't let anyone tell you different!

I too battle that chemical imbalance known as Depression, it sucks, but I don't let it define me.

I will continue to pray for you.

Mrs4444 said...

My prayers are with you, Wendy.

won said...

I don't usually comment on comments.

Due to the nature of this post, and some of the heartfelt/personal things that have been shared here and the unconditional support and love I feel through your words, today I do.

Thank you for sharing parts of your soul, parts of your stories, with me. Thank you for your positive words after reading a post that left me vulnerable and quite frankly, concerned. I didn't know how it would be received.

I am humbled, and touched.

Genuinely.

kristi said...

I can't imagine the strength and grace it took to share this with the world, and I am honored beyond words to have witnessed this. Olivia is such a gift and to know that you were willing to share her and some of her last moments fills me with awe. But more than that, to know that you were willing to share your loss, and one so devastatingly personal, has me speechless. Thank you.... and I hope you've found some peace. How lucky you both are to have had eachother in your lives!

Kristi

Kylee said...

Won, I am so sorry for what you have been through. You are a beautiful strong woman. I too have battled with depression and it has effected a lot of my family as well. It's a terrible disease that doesn't get recognized.
I am keeping you in my prayers. What a beautiful daughter you have. God Bless.

Sue in Tokyo said...

Won, thank you so much for sharing this. You are a very strong, insightful woman.

Bethany said...

W, I thought about posting this on the other blog, but this is better.

Thank you. Thank you.

My husband has been clinically depressed for 6 years, as a result of a catastrophic injury. His injury caused him to lose his job, and still causes constant pain.
But, the worst part is the depression. I *know* that it's cyclical, the depression and the pain.
He goes off his meds every couple years (right now he's off) bc he wants to "test" himself, or bc he is tired of side effects, etc.

I spend my time consumed with worry for him. I hear him say at least once/week "I can't do this anymore." I support him, and I'm his cheerleader. BUT, it's hard. It's damn hard. It's a huge responsibility to be *that* person to someone who is depressed.


Anyway, thanks.

Bethany

April said...

What a great post, W. I'm sure you've helped others.

jaded said...

Like April (above) said you have helped others and are helping others. How brave of you. I watched the video in awe (without sound no less, as my sound system is acting up). With no sound I was able to concentrate far more about what i was seeing. Olivia looked so peaceful and i beleive you and the love you showed her were responsible for that peace.
I am truly questioning whether or not i am currently suffering from depression or anxiety - but i am truly suffering from something.

Sometimes I am just really tired of just survining.

I contemplate the bravery it takes to march one's self to a psychiatric center only to be turned away because you were not suicidal or homicidal. (Had it been me I probably would have turned homicidal on the person who told you this - and no, i am not even trying to be funny.

You have had your lot to bear, and i am so, so sorry that she is gone and not here today.

thanks so much for stopping by my blog and for the personification of bravery that you took on by clicking publish.

You truly are helping more people with this one post than you will ever, EVER know.

Hugs,
J

Marie said...

I haven't posted before but wanted to say thankyou for your very brave and personal post. More people need to speak out about depression until it's not hidden and swept under the rug anymore. Every time someone speaks about it, the more people understand and become aware that it is more than just "get over it."

Monica H said...

Over from J's blog...

I just wanted to say how sorry I am for your loss. I applaud your bravery and wish you peace during this time. This post was so touching.

Caution Flag said...

My mom has suffered all her adult life. It is a devastating illness, and certainly not a choice as some might think.

My love and prayers and friendship are with you, Wendy.

survivingbaby said...

I came over from Jaded. Thank you for this post. Sometimes it's nice just to know that I am not alone.

Tricia said...

W, I am so sorry for your loss, your grief, your pain. Thank you for being so vulnerable. I will keep praying for you. I had never thought about the reality that the depression comes and goes, or more literally ebbs and flows. It never really goes, does it? But sometimes it is less intense and allows me to function. Sometimes it is all consuming. I will keep praying.

Mimmy said...

For once, I'm absolutely without words. I'll just leave it with an "I'm praying for you".

God Bless,
Mimmy

MindyMom said...

I'm sure this was a very tough post for you. Thanks for sharing. I wish I had more to offer but I too, have no words.

Much love and hugs to you.

Anonymous said...

Your beautiful, beautiful girl...my god, I am so, so sorry.

Your post was honest and brave. Your love for your daughter so huge and visible to us all.

FreedomFirst said...

It is infuriating how no one thinks you need help until they can accuse you of something to go with it. As if the only way they will help you is when you have become so vulnerable they can pretty much order you around.

Sara said...

I'm so sorry about Olivia.

Aggiema (Michelle) said...

I pray that you continue to seek help for your son and for yourself; both of you have been through a horrible time. I hope you can find some peace.

Kaylen said...

My son was just diagnosed with depression - it is not something we are sharing broadly yet, but he has been honest with his friends (who he has isolated himself from for the last two months) and is not feeling shame or fear - because of strong people like you, who are speaking out and continue to speak out, and who teach others that it is not something that he should be ashamed of, and getting the word out that it is very common!! We are so accepting of other illnesses, but depression is pushed aside and it's time to change that.
You are helping others!!
Stay strong - we are all behind you!!

And how very brave and ourageous you are for sharing Olivia. It was a very hard video to watch - I cried with and for you the whole way through. It was a beautiful show of love - thank you for sharing it. She was very loved, I am certain she knew this.

shannon717717 said...

Won,
I just dont really know what to say,im just so hurt right now watching your babygirl and all the love you give her.Its so sad when we loose the one's we love.I can't say i know the pain your going through because i never loss a child,however just less then 6mths ago my 3week old nephew passed away in his sleep due to S.I.D.S,i watch my sister hurt and hurt everyday,i can only wish that i can take away her pain but i cant.She thinks about Kyle every moment of the day and from time to time she will blame herself.Watching her going through this pain,i can only imagine what your going through.My sister is a strong believer in God and reads his word daily.Im not sure what your religion is but i know this is how she makes it through day to day.I beleive if we just trust in God's word in the end we will all be together again.Our prescious Kyle and your precious Olivia are beutiful Angels watching over us.They are in a place where there is no hurt and pain.They no longer have to suffer.
Im so sorry for your loss and i really hope im not saying anything to upset you.I just want to thank-you for your courage and strengh you have to share Olivia with us.One day WON will be as WON again all togehter in a place thats so peaceful,loving and free of pain.Please keep your head up and always remember God is good.Im sure you will keep Olivia in your heart,and i pray for you that each day gets easier and easier for you.

As far as the depression i can defantly relate to you.I read a few of your posts and i was touched by all the pain you have been through and the way your able to talk about it all today.I can relate to alot of the horrible things you been through as far as being a victim of sexual and physical abuse,i as well loved to write,im also disabled,forgetful and frustrated! Just like you i always called it a monkey on my back.The depression was like a dark cloud that hung over my shoulder day after day,night after night.I to couldnt see it ending.Won i was there as well and it takes alot to fight it.I to was on the sofa or in my bed everyday.I wouldnt socialize with anyone and i just felt like i was slowly dying a terrible way.It started for me at the age 9,thinking about what blanket i could use to kill myself.I would cry and cry and cry.Many of times i did get weak and try to take myself out.But like you,now that i have to be here for my chidren i just couldnt leave them behind.It would be selfish.I lived this way 20yrs straight in a dark hole.Im just starting to enjoy life and feeling better the past 2 yrs that i been on the correct meds.
I know this post isnt about me but i just wanted to let you know i know how it feels to be down.If there's ever anything you would like to talk about or maybe just vent please email me,i'd love to chat.Im not saying it all went away because everyday i still have the flashes that come with ptsd.but when i talk with people who can relate like you can and who has been there,it helps me as well.I know this post is long so im going to end with letting you know im so honored to have come across your blog.Keep being strong Won!!
Thanks,Shannon
shannpf1977@yahoo.com

Helena said...

Wow, thank you for sharing. What a sweet little girl she is. It must have been so hard to let her go. I know you will see her again someday! Again, thanks for sharing.

MY LIFE WITH BOYS! said...

Won,
What a heartbreaking video to watch. I can feel your emotions through the whole thing. Olivia was a beautiful girl:) Thinking of you and Noah and wishing you peace and a big hug to you.

Cat Davis said...

I'm at such a loss for words. No mother or father should ever have to lose a child ... ever. ((hugs))